If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
where are my eyebrows?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
