Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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