I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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