the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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