just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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