Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
