I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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