So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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