My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
