so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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