Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
