I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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