I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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