When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
