At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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