I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
