Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we made out on top of his cat.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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