wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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