I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
