Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
