Three words: puerto rican gang bang
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
worst night to have a conscience
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
the raccoons are back...
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