you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
