She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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