I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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