Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
