My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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