i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
