Heybabeimwearingurpanties
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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