I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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