All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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