Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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