New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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