you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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