He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
