I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
