she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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