Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think i have herpe
just one?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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