My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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