the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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