turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
