don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
