Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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