First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
