Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
