It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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