I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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