He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
