Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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