Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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