So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
