she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
