guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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