she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
