There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
