Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
