When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
