just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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