Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She needs sedatives and a leash
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
