He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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