Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
