apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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